DEEP THOUGHTS: Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9 p.m. is the new midnight.
Libra — Sept. 23 thru Oct. 22
Because the stars have aligned for you for many, many moons, we know that when you say, “The other day,” you could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 thru Nov. 21
if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 thru Dec. 21
You will finally get eight hours of sleep. It may take you three days, but whatever.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 thru Jan. 19
You don’t mean to interrupt people. You just randomly remember things and get really excited.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you out.
Pisces — Feb. 19 — March 20
You hate when people argue in public and you have missed the beginning. You don’t know whose side you’re on.
Aries – May 21 thru April 19
It’s the start of a brand new week, and you’re off like a herd of turtles.
Taurus – April 20 thru May 20
You will have your patience tested this week. You’ll be negative.
Gemini — May 21 thru June 20
When people ask you what you are doing this week, tell them that when you say “nothing,” it does not mean you are free. It means you are doing nothing.
Cancer — June 21 thru July 22
When someone asks what you did over the long weekend, just squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
Leo — July 23 thru Aug. 22
Sometimes the stars align to put you in the same situations just to see if you are still a dumb arse.
Virgo — Aug. 23 thru Sept. 22
Forget astrology signs. What is your depression meal?
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