Libra — Sept. 23 thru Oct. 22
Most of your problems can be traced back to the Aqua Net you inhaled as a teenager.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 thru Nov. 21
That tightly wrapped friend who lives in The City will need to be told: “For the love of gawd, stop being offended by everything.”
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 thru Dec. 21
Science does not care what you believe.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 thru Jan. 19
If you misplace your pizza cutter, use an old Bryan Adams CD. It cuts like a knife.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
The grocery store will be out of shredded cheese. You will have to buy a block of cheese and shred it yourself. Just like the Amish in Sonoma.
Pisces — Feb. 19 — March 20
Due to the twisted nature of Best Guess Horoscope, you will be reading again next week.
Aries – May 21 thru April 19
You will sell your homing pigeon three times on e-Bay this week.
Taurus – April 20 thru May 20
Don’t get stuck in an argument with a horse. They are always a naysayer.
Gemini — May 21 thru June 20
You will dream you were muffler and wake up exhausted.
Cancer — June 21 thru July 22
You will spend half an hour taking off your wife’s bra. You should not have tried it on in the first place.
Leo — July 23 thru Aug. 22
You were one of those kids who stirred a bowl of ice cream until it looked like soup. Please don’t try to pretend you are normal now.
Virgo — Aug. 23 thru Sept. 22
Your girlfriend will look very surprised when you tell her she drew her eyebrows too high.