Libra — Sept. 23 thru Oct. 22
According to the chocolate Advent calendar, Christmas is next weekend.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 thru Nov. 21
You know you’re old when “friends with benefits” means someone who can drive at night.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 thru Dec. 21
You will walk back to the car to get your mask several times this week.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 thru Jan. 19
It’s always bothersome when Wal-Mart doesn’t have what you want, so you have to go home, change out of your pajamas, and go to Target.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You are the neighborhood Noah: Faith will make you look stupid … until it starts to rain.
Pisces — Feb. 19 — March 20
Finally your family understands why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.
Aries – May 21 thru April 19
You want to get back in shape, but you’re waiting to see if the world will end before putting any real effort into it.
Taurus – April 20 thru May 20
Social etiquette teaches us that it is polite to ask questions that allow people to talk about themselves. That doesn’t mean you may ask: “What the hell is the matter with you?”
Gemini — May 21 thru June 20
You thought it was called a “cookie” sheet. Now, you find it is properly called a “cooking” sheet. Your life is in a spin.
Cancer — June 21 thru July 22
If we’re ever allowed back in movie theaters, the question still stands: Which arm rest is yours.
Leo — July 23 thru Aug. 22
Congratulations, you just survived Friday the 13th, 2020.
Virgo — Aug. 23 thru Sept. 22
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you made a bad choice.
DEEP THOUGHTS: If you notice cows sleeping, does that mean it’s pasture bedtime.
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