DEEP THOUGHTS: Don’t put projects on the backburner. Put them under the floorboards where the ever-loud beating of their hearts drives you slowly into madness.
Libra — Sept. 23 thru Oct. 22
You set your clock ahead to avoid being late. But all it did was sharpen your subtraction skills.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 thru Nov. 21
A recent study found that black coffee drinkers are more likely to exhibit psychopathic tendencies. See below.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 thru Dec. 21
People who order quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip, caramel drizzle, are more likely to be the victims of black coffee drinkers. See above.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 thru Jan. 19
The longest drum solo — 10 hours and 26 minutes — will be performed by the child sitting behind you on your next flight to Asia.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will check yourself into the Hokey Pokey clinic this week. You will turn yourself around.
Pisces — Feb. 19 — March 20
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Aries – May 21 thru April 19
On a road trip, you are never too old to yell “horses!” when you pass horses.
Taurus – April 20 thru May 20
Tip of the week: Replace your cat’s litter box with a Fed-Ex box. That way when it’s full you just tape it shut and put it on the front porch for someone to steal.
Gemini — May 21 thru June 20
Being a functioning adult everyday seems a bit excessive.
Cancer — June 21 thru July 22
Growing up is optional.
Leo — July 23 thru Aug. 22
Every family has secrets … until a Sunday School teacher asks the kids if they have any prayer requests.
Virgo — Aug. 23 thru Sept. 22
If you’re feeling good about yourself this week, go ask a 5-year-old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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