DEEP THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.
Libra — Sept. 23 thru Oct. 22
Don’t expect any New Year’s resolutions from Libra people. They plan on staying the same awkward, sarcastic, foul-mounted delight that we have all come to know and love.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 thru Nov. 21
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Scorpio girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 thru Dec. 21
Turn to the love of your life and say: “I have spent a wonderful year with you. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Happy new year my love.”
Capricorn — Dec. 22 thru Jan. 19
A Capricorn New Year’s resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic. (Like you won’t screw that up right away.)
Aquarius — Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Never have so many expected so little from a New Year. Basically, if an astroid does NOT hit Earth in 2022, we’re good.
Pisces — Feb. 19 — March 20
You were up at midnight this New Year’s Eve, but only because you had to pee.
Aries – May 21 thru April 19
Betty White died just shy of 100. But the truth is she was shy of nothing.
Taurus – April 20 thru May 20
“Soylent Green” took place in 2022. Just a heads-up.
Gemini — May 21 thru June 20
This week you will pay for a 12-month gym membership, and your bank will text you asking if your card has been stolen.
Cancer — June 21 thru July 22
Next week you will fall off the Diet Wagon, drag it in the woods, set it on fire and use the insurance money to buy Twinkies.
Leo — July 23 thru Aug. 22
Your greatest accomplishment this week will be just keeping your mouth shut.
Virgo — Aug. 23 thru Sept. 22
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