DEEP THOUGHTS: It is August already and September is just weeks away. Time to pick out a Halloween costume, start Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody!
Libra — Sept. 23 thru Oct. 22
There once was a girl who only ate plants. You may not have heard of herbivore.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 thru Nov. 21
Long ago exactly one cat died from being fed four minutes past feeding time and cats have told their children of this for 3,000 generations.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 thru Dec. 21
Try cooking with wine this week. After 5 glasses you forget why you are in the kitchen.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 thru Jan. 19
Next time your partner gets angry, drape a towel over his/her shoulders like a cape and exclaim, “Now you are SUPER ANGRY!” Maybe you’ll get a laugh. Maybe you’ll die.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Most Aquarius folk reading this wonderful horoscope are older than YouTube, which began in 2005. Think about that.
Pisces — Feb. 19 — March 20
When you see two sisters, the shorter one is always the oldest.
Aries – May 21 thru April 19
Three mom lies: 1) Keep making that face and it will freeze like that. 2) I have eyes in the back of my head. 3) Don’t sit so close to the TV or you’ll go blind.
Taurus – April 20 thru May 20
Those who deny the existence of dragons are often eaten by them.
Gemini — May 21 thru June 20
At your funeral, show your favorite comfort movie. Whoever checks their phone first gets disinherited.
Cancer — June 21 thru July 22
63 earths can fit inside Uranus. One day, you’ll be mature enough not to laugh at that. But not today.
Leo — July 23 thru Aug. 22
You can multitask. You can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.
Virgo — Aug. 23 thru Sept. 22
When confronted by a wine snob, swirl your glass and hold it up to your ear.
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